Parent-Teacher Dynamics: What’s the Right Balance?
Is there an imbalance in the communication you have with your child’s teacher?
Perhaps you never get email responses. Perhaps preparing for a test is confusing without a study guide or textbook.
Do you find yourself thinking, “This shouldn’t be this difficult!”?
You are not alone. I assure you!
Throughout my teaching career, I have tutored students. Since leaving my career as a school teacher (2013 when my second baby was born), I have continued to tutor children from public school and private school as well as homeschool.
As a private tutor, I have never had SO MUCH INTERACTION with parents in my life! Sure, I had parent conferences as a teacher, but most were short. Not to mention, college didn’t fully prepare me for conferences. I speak with parents ALL THE TIME. I hear their concerns. When they speak, it shows me to what level they understand a particular concept or what their concerns and priorities are. Teachers, listen, and you will understand them too.
I can’t help but wonder if teachers and parents spoke together more often
how much better it would be for the child.
Those of you who know me, know that I have chosen to homeschool my children. Whenever I self reflect or “talk to myself,” you could call it a teacher conference. :) I also make time to speak with teacher friends and other homeschool parents about various issues we face. It is good to have support and communication. While I highly recommend homeschooling to those who ask me, I realize not everyone is willing to will try it.
For those of you who are interested in homeschooling,
you can checkout my YouTube Homeschool Playlist.
I know who my audience is. Some of you are homeschooling parents, but there are quite a few of you reading this who are not. You might have a child or grandchild in school. You might be a teacher. I’m going to speak to both teachers and parents in this blog post. If you homeschool, share this with a friend who does not. It could really help them.
Where Parents Need to Improve their Parent-Teacher Dynamic
Parents, when I meet with you, I hear you complain about the teacher situation. You say you like your child’s teacher and you don’t want to “get her in trouble.” Then, you go on to wish she would do….x, y, or z [insert what you wish here].
Why are you telling me? Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to listen as your child’s tutor or potential tutor, but I can’t control the actions of your child’s teacher.
Why not speak with the teacher? This is someone who is with your child for HOURS every week. Have you thought about that? Do you remember the first time you left your child with a babysitter? Did you leave lots of notes? Did you ask questions at the end of the day on how it went?
Call the teacher. Yes, I know people rarely call these days, but that is what will make you stand out. That is what will make you heard and your request remembered. You might not always get to speak right away. You might have to wait for a callback.
Email the teacher. Make your requests clear. Don’t write a novel. If there is a specific behavior situation and you need to include detailed documentation of what happened, then you might need a longer email. (If that is the case, attach the principal to the email). Otherwise, be CLEAR and CONCISE about what you want.
Stay respectful but committed. Show the teacher respect and use basic manners. Build a relationship of showing appreciation so that it’s not a big deal when you make a request and the teacher will be happy to accommodate. There are times, however, where a parent will need to be a bit more firm and clear on what they wish, such as when there is something that has gone awry. If there is a serious and immediate issue do not wait to get the principal involved.
Here are a few examples of things you might ask. You might get a “no” answer, but you NEVER KNOW if you do not ask.
—May my child’s seating be moved?
—May I have a study guide for the big test?
—May I have a list of the topics you will be teaching in the coming weeks?
—May we have access to spelling words on Friday so we have extra weekend days to prepare?
—May we have a conference (even if it’s not on the conference calendar date)?
—May I pick up the school work my child missed (or will miss)?
—May my child be tested in a different way (special learning or attention issues)?
Most teachers will work with you if you are respectful and supportive. I’ve had parents volunteer to make copies for me, sharpened pencils at home for me, and even send in an occasional note of thanks. Even parents who didn’t go the extra mile have had their wishes granted. The student comes first.
Parents, it is the teacher’s job to help your child succeed. It’s your job to hold that teacher accountable AND help your child succeed. You are the parent, but you are your child’s most influential teacher.
With that said, there will be different teacher personalities. Some are sweet and well-meaning but scattered. They might intend to do something and be forgetful. Hold them accountable anyway. Send reminders. You might get a teacher who is burnt-out or going through a rough personal time. Stay respectful, and if the teacher is not returning that respect get a principal involved. One of the earliest interventions you can do is to copy the principal in on the email you send.
If you’ve not had an in-person discussion, don’t “yell” in an email. It usually isn’t effective, and your email might be shared with other people. Give a teacher time to respond. Remember, she/he is teaching during the day and goes home to family at night. If you’ve not heard anything by the next day at lunch, then call the school to be sure the email was received. You deserve to be heard, but be reasonable about it.
Where Teachers Need to Improve the Teacher-Parent Dynamic
I am constantly shocked at what teachers are “getting away with these days.” There. I said it. When I think about some of the minor and petty things that people got upset with me over as a teacher, I think, “Wow. I could have never gotten away with that.” What I’m seeing and hearing about now is an even BIGGER deal.
I know what you’re thinking. I must be reading stories online. Well, I do. Who hasn’t? But if evidence is there, it should not be ignored.
I don’t just read articles. I also speak with parents on a regular basis. There are some pretty irrational things said to parents sometimes—things that make NO SENSE. I understand that when you teach you have some parents that seem to not care at all how their child does in school. But, teachers, when you have a parent who is going the extra mile to help their child, please help them. Don’t assume that all parents don’t care or don’t want to know what’s going on.
The latest odd thing I heard was that the child’s absent work
could not be picked up from school because his absence was not “covid related.”
He was absent nonetheless—for more than one day. Get. the. child. his. work.
Assume that parents are scared to ask you for extra help or don’t know what to ask for. That is the case I am seeing. Parents are thinking they don’t have a right to ask or pry or be involved. Someone has given them this impression at some point (whether it is you or a teacher before you). It’s their child! They should know what goes on and what is taught. When they know and understand, they can better support YOU. After all, we all know when we speak with the child we only get half of the story. Other times, parents have simply not thought of some simple things they can do at home to support their child—especially if it’s their first child!
Offer a newsletter. Share with the parents extra resources, information on what you will be teaching, and the best way to contact you. Train the parents to check their email. All of your parents have smart phones with the option for notifications on emails. Offer incentives and send an email at the same time each week so that it is EXPECTED.
Use a communication app. Some of my tutoring students have teachers that use apps to communicate with parents. If you have not had proper communication with your student’s parent, rest assured you are being compared to another teacher that has had proper communication. A parent recently shared with me how communication isn’t a big deal in her son’s kindergarten class because of an app the teacher uses. However, it is a different story for her fourth grade son’s teacher, who doesn’t respond to emails in a timely manner, has no newsletter, and uses no app.
Recognize the parent as the parent. Try your best to help the child when you are with the child. In the end, the parent is the one who will reap what they efforts they put into the child’s academic performance. The parent is a parent for life. You are the teacher for one school year. You can only do so much. Rest in the fact that the child might have nonacademic talents you have not yet seen—talents that might flourish into a well paying job one day. Academics are not the most important thing in the eyes of some parents, and that is their choice and their child. You help what you can when you can without causing harm to the child or the child’s motivation and confidence. This is a difficult concept for some teachers who are not yet parents to understand.
For public and private school students, the best scenario is when the adults in the child’s life are in effective communication together. They put the child first and work together, making it more likely that the child succeeds. Teachers, I understand that not every parent “seems to care” or will respond to your messages. However, it is YOUR JOB to try. You are getting a paycheck, so may it never be said of you that the parent “can’t get a hold of you.” You can set the terms for communication, such as not responding to emails in the evening or on the weekends. Whatever you choose to do, it will train your parents how they can or can’t treat you.
What did I leave out that would speak to you?
Leave a comment. I know I didn’t write a book. There are tons more I could say. What would be helpful for your situation? I’d love to hear from you so that I can write about it in the future and be a voice for you.
Consider sharing with a friend, your child’s teacher, or your students’ parents!
Remember, you are your child’s most influential teacher.
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